this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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