Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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