my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
