my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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