Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
