Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
