I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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