Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
