She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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