i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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