and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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