So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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