Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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