I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
