bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
