Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
