dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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