My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you win again, gameday.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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