the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
