my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
