I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
