just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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