considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
