Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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