omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
