do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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