if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
