I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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