is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
