My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
are you so shy because you have an std?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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