Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
