I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
