How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
