Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize