I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
