I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
