Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
