I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize