My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
