I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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