Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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