I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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