I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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