My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
