I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize