census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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