the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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