found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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