Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
