I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
