I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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