Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
