census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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