She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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