Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
